For a while things were great, I looked forward to your events, your keynotes were a source of excitement and joy, “one more thing” was a thrill, what changed? You used to be so loving, your ads generated a source of pride about being a Mac as opposed to a dreaded PC. I was happy that I couldn’t get sick with all those dreadful viruses, that those awful hackers were being kept at bay, that my shiny new OS was full of wonder and the spinning beachball was just too cute for me to be upset that I was having issues.

However I’ve gotten older (I’m 10.6 now) and things seem to have changed. You are alienating the very people that made me special, forcing them into draconian agreements that hinder my ability to grow. What’s this I hear about your disdain for Flash? I know it’s true, Flash and I  have never been perfect buddies, but flash is working on it. He’s trying to make it right while you scoff and insist his parents are to blame for all the world’s nasty problems. I know I crashed a time or two, but I also lost my vision due to a bad graphics card, I couldn’t see for days (have you decided I won’t have graphics?) I don’t think so. One time my spacebar got stuck to no fault, did you remove it and curse the spacebar to utter damnation? No! Therefore I think it’s time to reevaluate our relationship Apple.

Once upon a time I was open source, do you remember where you found me? Do you remember when you were a laughing stock? When no one wanted you or me for that matter. You have achieved so much, but the more you grow the more you limit me. And now my kid brother iphone OS is getting crapped on by limiting the developers (who make us great) to writing code in a proprietary environment, why all the hate? Sometimes I wish Fake Steve would be the real Steve, would he do this to me?

Frankly my logo is getting tarnished, as you sue anyone and everyone at will. You are killing us my friend and people may not know it but they will soon enough. Just because you got famous and made a few bucks don’t make us the BAD guy. You negate all we have we been fighting for all these years. We were once the saviors of PC kind, and now look at us. I’m ashamed Apple, i wish i could scrape off my logo and hide. I can no longer say “I’m a Mac” and not feel like a PC at this rate I’ll just turn into a NatC – Oh Apple, please change your ways, this Kafka-esque metamorphosis is draining my battery. But as Kurt said “so it goes” and so it will…

Sincerely,

Your OS

http://shouldyougettheappletablet.com/

(side note) Steve Jobs is not human, he is really an alien that came from The Woz’s belly, If you’ve seen Woz lately you’ll take note that another is about to be birthed, should that creature make it out alive Jobs most certainly will be consumed. But I digress.

Anticipation, sweat beading upon my furrowed brow I wait wishing California wasn’t 2 hours behind. I mean they’re freaking ahead in everything else why not time for pete’s sake?

I know at this moment Jobs is toking some purple Krishna or whatever the docs prescribed for all those health problems, but what about me? What about us? Don’t we mater? I frikin live in Alabama and there is no legal way to calm my macintitus, there is no cure for this dis-ease. Still I pray, to the golden gods of aesthetic hardware, fulfill my deepest desire and bless me with this most hole-y device. Allow me to video conference in style, allow me to feel a sense of cool when I whip out a sleek slice of techno-bliss, allow me to feel better about myself knowing that the regular guy on the street oohs and ahhhhs at my very existence having one of these in my possession.

Yes, Mr. Jobs, give me a reason to keep on living.

Oh yeah and watch out for that beast by way of the Woz, it’s sure to consume your very creative existence.

Sincerely…